Part of my whole “being a funny guy” thing is being able to laugh at yourself. And so, that’s what this post is about. Moments of my life that have been embarrassing but I’ve been able to survive the humiliation and laugh about it. I rarely feel embarrassed about something, but when I am embarrassed, it’s worth the feeling I guess.
My pants fell down.
I remember this day. I was wearing a pair of button down pants. The kind of pants that athletes wear for warmups before a basketball game. Well, over the course of the day, my top button on I believe the left side started to rip or something. Anyway, I was in the parking lot of my church. Right in the middle of the lot. The catch? Church had just ended and so there were a lot of people walking to their cars, driving around, or just standing around talking to friends and such. And my pants just fell. But I wasn’t the first person to notice. There were a couple of kids who were pointing and laughing at me. The very next second, I felt a nice breeze (it was Fall weather. Very fitting) in my private area. The next second, I look down and see my pants are sliding down . I managed to pull them up before they passed my knees.
That was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I was just a pre-teen too, maybe even younger than that.
I peed on myself.
Not your typical pee on the self story. In fact, it wasn’t the sight of pee. Whenever I’m nervous, my bladder tends to want to empty itself. Most of the time, it’s #2 for some odd reason but there has only been one certain occasion where pee is the main culprit: Band concerts. Oh dear God. I mean, I’m a good saxophone player. I knew all the songs. I wasn’t nervous about that. I’m the stage fright guy.
You know how mom or dad asks you “Did you use the restroom? We’re about to leave and I’m not stopping anywhere.” or something like that? Well I always used the bathroom before I left for the band concert. But again, my bladder would not be denied. When we got to the church where the concert was, I needed to use the bathroom. I didn’t know where the nearest bathroom was. I eventually found one and just as I reached the stall, it started. I was peeing right there while trying to untuck my shirt and unbuckle my belt and pull down my pants. I managed to pee about half of it into the urinal but the damage was done.
But that’s not the end of the story.
I still had a band concert to play. And I stunk so bad of pee. I smelled like piss. And there was nothing I could do. I tried to keep my distance from everyone. Also, I had about 30 minutes to showtime. I did my best James Bond impression and tip-toed around the church looking for anything. I was desperate. I was going to put lotion on my pants. Air freshener. Yeah, THAT desperate. Unfortunately, I missed the lineup call. Playing the saxophone, the band conductor put my section in the middle of the band. They found me and I had to get to my spot.
Here it comes.
There were two things that made this thing just awful. Here’s a guy that smelled like piss. I had to walk in front of sitting people, in order to get to my spot on the stage. The height of their heads while sitting was lined up with my…piss area. I know they smelled it. Oh wait, here’s the second thing: We were crammed on the stage. The stage was already small. So you can imagine how awkward it was for me to have to walk by. It took awhile to get to my spot. People had to move their music stands and stuff. I knocked over somebody’s stuff. This is all happening in front of the audience as well. Just a terrible experience all around.
So there you go. Any embarrassing stories you’d like to share? Hit the comments!