Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole” said Toivo, “But we don’t have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Eino shook his head and laughed, “Ain’t that just like a woman! We asked for the height and she gives us the length!!”
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.
“I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”
“That’s a complicated order, sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”
The guest replied, “Oh, but that’s what you gave me yesterday!”
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!'”
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”
The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?” The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”