A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say “Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!” Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I r…ush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.
He got her latest book “Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do – And They Were Wrong”, waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. “Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you”, he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. “What did you say” asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.
After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, “Its your fault I’m in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date”. “Oh no” said his friend “she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion.”
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Mortician: “How can you tell?”
Al: “George had two assholes.”
Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”
Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”