The emotional state I’m in concerning my feelings for my church has been all f’d up since the cantata disaster. That’s the day I started seriously considering to leave the church. As time went on, the urge started to fade, but then came back full blast with the ushering thing.

That was in July. We’re in October.

I am on the fence right now. I need to pick a side right now. Stay with my current church or find another. I used to feel like I was a part of something. Now, it feels like I’m coming there out of habit. I’ve been going to this church for 16 years. The church is about to celebrate its 18th anniversary in a couple of weeks. So, I’m not an original member. But, I’ve seen a lot and been through a lot.

I know a lot of people. Sometimes, we don’t want to leave a neighborhood or place of work because we’re familiar with it. We don’t like the unknown. I would have to establish relationships with new people. Do I, an anti-social person, want to do that? Can I do that?

But maybe I just need time. I still go to church every Sunday but, I keep to myself. I sit in the balcony alone (there are a few others up there) and I enjoy service. I can’t be near other people right now for several reasons. Maybe I need time to heal. I think that could be it.

Like injured players. You don’t want to try to come back too early or you could make the injury worse. It could even be permanent.

And, I feel like, if I keep exposing myself to pain, I will never heal. Right now, the church is the source of my pain. You know how parents or even couples say, “I can’t even look at you right now”? That’s where I’m at. I just need my space.

Another thing is talking to God. He’s been quiet about this so far. Or, I’m not hearing Him. Either way, I don’t know what to do yet based on His guidance. Make no mistake; I am going to church. That’s what God wants me to do. The question remains: Which one? Where will I be a member at?

Don’t get me wrong, the church isn’t a bad church with bad people. I’m not saying that at all. It’s just that, I keep running into negative experience after negative experience and at some point I have to look out for myself before I shoot somebody. On the flip side: I’m the cancer. I just can’t get along with everybody. But, I’m having trouble believing that because there are other areas that I work with people very well. So then, should I just drop the areas where I’m struggling? Probably. But then, does that solve anything?

I completely understand that you go to church for God ultimately. You are supposed to serve for God. I get that. That was never a problem. The issue lies with being able to serve. As I already have pounded into your head, the events that have led me to this post could have been prevented if only others cared enough. I refuse to give 100% to somebody that will simply take advantage of it. I will give 100% somewhere else or none at all. I hate performing at less than 100% if I care about it.

Whatever happens, I need to figure out what I’m going to do very soon. Because I can’t keep doing this to my soul. My heart. My spirit. It can’t keep this up. I always viewed church as a family. Not anymore. It’s like going to work and/or school.

I’m hoping to have my mind made up by 2014. I have told my church I would consider ushering again in 2014 but I didn’t promise it. I don’t promise unless I know I will do it. In the meantime, I have to get my mind right to make the right choice. I’m hoping I finally get what God has to say about this. If He wants me to stay, I’ll stay. If He wants me to go, I’ll go.

It’s interesting because my pastor a couple of weeks ago did a sermon about Abram in the Bible. It was when God told Abram to leave everything you know and to go into the unknown. Was God speaking to me like that? Was that Him telling me it’s time to move on?

I’m a mess. I think, and I said it earlier, I probably just need time to heal. I’ll probably just stay.