Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband’s insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night — only to find a cucumber in his hand.
“Is THIS”, she asked, pointing to the vegetable, “what you’ve been using on me for the last 5 years?”
“Honey, let me explain…”
“Why, you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent son of a -”
“Speaking of sneaky,” her husband coolly interjected, “maybe you’d like to explain our three kids.”
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
Oh! And here I thought the folks on the posters and commercials were just models!
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”
“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.
“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”
“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”
“And the third envelope?” asked her friends. “The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'”
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said… “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Um…I don’t think…uh…that stone…
Ha! Or, as the studio audience would say: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!