I have always had a strange mind. I decided to showcase this with 20 thoughts I’ve had this week. After you read this, you can’t unread it. In all of this, we remember that this is all a dream, or something. I like stuff and a cow isn’t a hippo.

On to the list!

  1.  I’ve always wondered what would happen if an animal and human could ever conceive. What would this baby be? Has this been done already? Think about it: A man and a rabbit. Imagine how he’d get his-Hm? Oh, you want me to stop? K.
  2.  Jesus was probably ugly. A real ugly dude. Don’t ask me how; I just know.
  3.  I always imagined what life would be like if I were a woman with three nipples. Could I financially take advantage of that? Porn? Circus? Ripley’s?
  4.  I probably have multiple personalities. All of them want to kill each other but none of them have the balls to do it. Jokes on them because I have the balls. All five of them.
  5.  McDonald’s is so evil. Their food is so evil. Curse them.
  6. I always wondered how I’d be as an old man. Would I still like kids? Can I still get it up? More importantly, will my older self come back to the present and kill me because he hates his life?
  7. No really, I am actually terrified that my past Dante could appear one day and just kick my brown little…well, you know. In fact, I can see my 7 year old self kicking me in the balls, yelling “MAN UP you little b*tch” while 43 year old me sits in a corner with a lit cigar in his mouth while solemnly nodding in approval. I’m such a wuss!
  8.  There’s no such thing as a stupid question. I’ll have you know though, there’s a such thing as an obvious answer question.
  9. What’s up with people asking or stating the obvious? I remember the family went to Atlantic City for one of my sister’s dance competitions. One of the other mothers from the same dance school saw my mom and was like “Oh, you made it?” No, I’m actually stuck in a tornado in Kansas. Sheesh. We gotta work on that, people.
  10.  Yeah, like anybody reads this blog. I bet nobody’s reading this list. I’d bet they quit after the time travel mess.
  11.  Sometimes, I’m too lazy to pee. Like, I don’t feel like getting up. But, the thought of my penis exploding with piss scares the piss out of me.
  12.  Nobody asks how the trees are doing? How do they feel? Are they violated when animals make homes in them. Do woodpeckers piss them off? We just don’t know! *sobs*
  13.  I’m insane. It’s a wonderful place to be in.
  14.  Don’t believe that last point? Oh yeah? To get rid of at least most of the racial tension, the world should just have a big orgy every decade or so that lasts for a few weeks if only to get as many ladies pregnant. We will be one.
  15.  You know about this, right? What’s up with time slowing down in the most terrible times while it speeds up when we’re just getting into the party? What’s that about? I hate perspective. Is the car moving or am I moving? Did she stab herself or did I do it? C’mon now people! Talk to meh!
  16.  I’m having regrets doing this list.
  17.  We can’t all be heroes. We can’t all be leaders. Some of us have to be followers in some capacity. No child left behind? Ehhhhh….and I’ve been working and teaching kids for a decade now…idk…if you don’t get it, ya just don’t get it. Sorry.
  18.  There’s no cure coming. Too much money in treatment.
  19.  I’m going to order my bride. It’s the only way for me it seems.
  20. I lie to people. In fact, I lied to you. It’s more than 20 thoughts. Aaahahahahahahahaha bwahaahahahahahahaha!
  21.  I hope my readers aren’t mad at me for lying.
  22.  They say black is the new water. Who in the heck are “they”? My cat? The blade of grass that just won’t leave the sidewalk when you go to sweep it after mowing the lawn? Yo momma? WHO!?
  23.  Probably need to figure out when this list ends.
  24.  I’ve kinda grown tired of the four group of friends with one always being a stereotypical minority. Just go all white; it’s fine. If I ever get into acting, I’m am so that guy though.
  25.  Never been scared of losing my wallet. I’m broke. Got nothing to lose. You’ll actually lose money trying to hack into my stuff. There’s no stuff.
  26.  Oh, next time someone says, “how are you doing?”, I’ll tell people the time. Perfect. I’m coming for you.
  27.  I think we all have a little person in us that tells us everyday that we are beautiful. This same voice also tells you exactly when you should feel awkward about something. Good job, little voice.
  28.  Goodnight.
  29.  Can’t really stand how teachers, policemen, firefighters, hospital and emergency workers are living off of “meh” salaries. They’re heroes and should be paid handsomely. Terrible. As a sports fan, reading about the salaries they get kinda sucks. But I have an understanding of how it all works so it’s not all the athlete’s fault. Ironically, fans actually drive the financial car.
  30.  Don’t you hate when you prepare for something and it doesn’t happen, and then, as soon as the situation arises, you’re not prepared? Like, you keep a flashlight in your car in case you have car trouble. You do this for five years straight and no incident. Next day, you clean out the car and forget to put the flashlight back. That same night, car breaks down. Like, really? “The one time…”

Those are some thoughts I experience from hour to hour, day to day, and week to week. This is also an intro of my new writing style as I attempt to better connect my thoughts on paper. So, be warned: I am even more deadly than this list.

-DALANEL

 

-DALANEL

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