Authorities in Willingboro, N.J. found head blogger of the wildly mediocre blog, DALANEL, in a fetal position crying about the Philadelphia 76ers’ latest loss.
When his mother settled him down, Dante, as he was named shortly after birth, was mumbling about how his girlfriend left him. When authorities realized that Dante’s girlfriend was, in fact, a stuffed animal, they locked his room down.
“Yeah, I thought it would be some really ugly babe”, said Captain Maxwell Warner, who had interviewed the delirious Dante. “He’s certainly not capable of getting even a decent looking gal, in my professional pinion. God, knows when he showed me the wallet sized picture of a stuffed animal in a dress, I done nearly lost my freaking mind! Knowing guys his age, he probably wants to take over the world, or something, so we locked him down.”
Reporters questioned Dante’s father for answers.
“Heck if I know what he does in his bedroom. He’s a 22 year old virgin. I’m surprised the animal is still soft.”
Psychologists searched Dante’s room for answers to his apparent mental breakdown.
“We found letters addressed to himself”, said Dr. Samantha Nickleback. “I confronted Dante on this and he said that there was another Dante in an alternate universe who is stalking him. I felt so bad because, I mean, look at him. Who would even want to know there’s more of him?”
Said one of his little sisters, “I can tell he needs to get laid really bad. The walls are really thin and I can hear him yelling. If he’s yelling from self inflicted orgasms or at his stupid stuffed bears, I’ll never know. Nor would I want to.”
When asked who he was yelling at, Dante replied, “There was a dust bunny that was singing some 3 Nelson Kids song…’Can You Kill A Bug’ or some crap. I don’t know. But, he kept freaking singing and singing and was off key so I told him to shut up.”
Still trying to figure out what made Dante crack and end up in his original position, Cap. Warner decided to get Dante to walk through what happened.
“So I ask him, ‘Dante, why were you crying about the 76ers?’ And he tells me something about how the Sixers are responsible for all of the world’s wars or something. To be honest, I was still reeling off of those photos of the animal in the dress. He calmed down after the game though; he said one of his clones helped him out”
When pressed about the clones comment, Warner didn’t hold back: “The kid is f’d up in the head; know what I’m sayin? Apparently, years ago, he cloned himself. The names of the clones? ‘Dante One’, ‘Dante Two’, and ‘Dante Three’. How original, right? So, there’s four of them or one of them or I don’t know. He says Dante Three calmed him down.”
Dr. Nickleback wasn’t quick to judge: “In Dante’s case, perhaps he needs to sort out his multiple thoughts. We sometimes form multiple personalities on a temporary basis. This can also help when reasoning out a decision. That’s sort of where the term ‘I had to ask myself’ or ‘I told myself’ comes from.”
It was later revealed that Dante had a conflict with Dante Two. Dante describes Dante Two as a “cocky bastard”. Dante Two had told Dante that the 76ers were bound to lose said game while Dante was expecting a win. The resulting blowout on the 76ers sent Dante into a tailspin. Dante and Dante Two had a shouting match before Dante Two stormed out of the room. Dante then proceeded to attempt to vent his feelings on Twitter before the dust bunny allegedly started singing his song. Dante asked for quiet to no avail. The dust bunny then pulls out a recording of an actual 3 Nelson Kids concert which sent Dante into a frenzy.
He grabbed his favorite stuffed animal and curled up in the corner of the room where he was eventually found. According to his parents, the last Sixers game was on three days ago and so it would seem Dante spent his time in a corner for three days, though authorities are unsure. When asked how long he had been in his fetal position, Dante gasped,
“I don’t remember…but I do know it had the word ‘day’ in it”.
Authorities advise to proceed with caution if you run into Dante.
“Oh yeah, he’s insane. No doubt about it. If ya see ’em, do not engage. He and his clones will apparently mess you up. Call your local police department and we’ll (makes a gun with his fingers and then mock fires) handle it…or something”.
One reporter was able to lay down one last description of the scene before being escorted out. There were empty bottles of ‘Become Spider-Man’ pills as well as a few pills lying next to a bottle. They were not prescription and looked very fell-off-the-back-of-a-trucky.