Ah, hello. Come, take a seat on this suspiciously rotten looking wooden chair. Inhale that dead body scent. I have something to tell you and I want you to take this with you for your everyday life.

Disclaimer: I have no freaking idea what I’m talking about!

Are you ready?

  • It’s okay to pee on yourself during the cold months. How else will you stay warm? Never wash it off either or you’ll lose the warmth.
  • If someone is simply too ugly that you can’t stand it, slap that person in the face. Perhaps some of your beauty will stick on their face.
  • Tell him to “jump”. Why? Because he’s making a fool of himself up there.
  • See a dying animal? Torture it and keep it alive. Like in the movies, maybe it’ll somehow escape death.
  • There is nothing wrong with putting unpaid merchandise in your pockets. How else will you be able to carry things if you have no basket or cart?
  • Your boss left the door to his/her office open and walked away? Well, I guess if nobody was allowed in there it would be closed…give yourself a raise!
  • What’s that? Your girlfriend/fiance/wife said it’s okay to blow off an anniversary dinner to go to the big game?  AWESOME. Have a good time, bro!
  • Yes, ladies, he ABSOLUTELY wants to carry your bags around in the mall and expects no reward or any consideration for doing anything for his benefit. Give him MOAR BAGS.
  • Talk aloud about people right to their face. They’ll probably think you’re talking about someone else. Sorry for you if this person got a ghetto behind name.
  • You can never smell foul.
  • Tell the boss you’re late because his/her mom kept you up all night, baby! *only works if mom is still alive
  • Every single hot babe at the beach wants to be touched there. Why else expose it?

Excellent! Now you are that much better prepared for the world. Happy day. and, if you actually take these seriously, I got a little something for ya:

Gee+yes+there+are+various+creation+stories+that+must+mean+_190d1a9cde037de1524c3e3f1f828d2c

Can you guess which one(s) I actually did? Yes, I am that stupid!

-DALANEL

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