Ever since the idea of doing lighting during Sunday services came in, I’ve struggled with this 3-way monster. I love to teach. I love to usher, even with the incident last year that had me nearly quit. Lighting isn’t new; I’ve been doing it since 2010. The only thing new is doing lighting for services.

Currently, I alternate my months teaching or ushering. I’m an assistant teacher and head usher in training. I’ve been teaching since 12 years old. I’ve been ushering since 18 years old, but I also served as a youth usher so you could say I’ve also been since 12.

I’ve grown fond of these two ministries. I’ve grown a lot.

Now lighting, that’s something different. I love lighting, but it’s nowhere close to teaching and ushering. So, what’s the big deal? Welp, I started this lighting ministry. So, it has a special place in my heart. It’s my baby. It’s new and needs a lot of attention.

I should make a list of the pros and cons of being a part of each ministry. Let’s take a look:

Teaching pros

  • The kids really love me
  • I love the kids
  • I get to wear clothes I’m comfortable in

Teaching cons

  • Um…nothing is perfect but…there are really no complaints

What about ushering?

Pros

  • Get to play an important role while being behind the scenes
  • Help people in many ways

Cons

  • Wear a freaking suit
  • Gotta wake up early
  • On my feet…for quite a while
  • Feels like the church doesn’t completely invest in us the way they should

And then there’s lighting

Pros

  • Make a powerful impact through the art and science of lighting
  • Work with an incredible group of people
  • Explore the great pieces of equipment out there…very exciting

Cons

  • I carry the burden of leadership. It’s so…heavy.
  • There is nothing purchased and I’m severely suffocated on growing my lighting sense. It’s absolutely frustrating.

Alright, so looking at the pros and cons, teaching seems to be a real winner. I’m laid back in my comfort zone while making a powerful positive impact on the children. I’ve grown to accept that it takes a special person to handle the 4&5 year olds of the world.

Ushering is exciting. There’s action. Plenty of it. But, as I’ve said before when I stopped ushering, there are a lot of problems in there. Problems that I have given up trying to address. The Lord God Almighty knows that I can’t stand wearing suits. I can’t even deal with casual.

I love lighting. I just can’t stand leading. But, my crew has made it clear that I’m the leader for them, and I appreciate that. I’ll lead them for as long as they decide to follow. But, not being able to develop my lighting sense puts me in a tough spot. It’s terribly frustrating and it actually takes some of the joy out of it.

I can’t do all three because I’d be spread too thin and it’s not fair to the ministries. They’re counting on me. For Koinonia Kids, there is a rotation. Ever other month outside of summer break I’m on scheduled to teach. No problem. Ushers, as I’ve mentioned before, are severely undermanned to the point that you coming every week is needed. But, they have been understanding of me wanting to teach. I appreciate that.

But, lighting entering the picture complicates my delicate plan. As the leader, it’s important that my presence is there. As a new ministry, I have to make sure things are running properly before I dream about letting the crew run themselves. Even then, my team is full of teens and, it’s pretty clear that adult supervision is wanted in all ministries.

So, get another leader, right? Wrong. I’ve been searching for somebody since May. Nobody. I got one person but then a few members of my crew found a way to banish this person. I know. Teens took out an adult.

Also, lighting is extremely new to the church and to people in general. Only a select few can currently grasp lighting. So, it’s not like I can go find somebody just like that.

As I’ve said, lighting is the least favored among the 3. So, on Sunday I told my crew that I had to step away for a time to figure this out. I didn’t tell them why because a few of them would freak out. No, they don’t read this blog, so cat’s still in the bag.

I’m seeking God’s counsel on this topic, but I think I already know what I have to do.

I think I’m being led to go with this scenario: Replace lighting with ushering. This pains me. Either way I look at it, I’m hurt. I want it all; but we can’t. Something has to die for there to be room for something to be born.

Let’s be clear here: A part of me is going to die when it comes time to quit ushering. I’m going to cry when that day comes. Heck, I had tears coming to this conclusion. This is going to hurt, badly.

Lighting hasn’t launched yet, so this is something that has yet to happen. It may never happen. But, I wanted to get here so that I know what’s gonna happen when we do reach that bridge.

Part of me hopes that the lighting isn’t launched, because then I can do what I’ve been doing. But then, part of me wants it launched because it’ll give me a chance to grow as a lighting designer. Back and forth.

What can I do? Just wait to see what happens.

I don’t know what I’ll do if God tells me to stop teaching and ushering though. I don’t know if I could do that. Right now it seems like teaching and lighting. But, is that my wishful thinking?

Another scenario: Stop lighting. Hm, what if God tells someone else to take over the ministry? I’d kind of feel some kind of way. It’s my baby! I started it up and fought through the growing pains only for somebody else to take in the finished product? It’s like I’d be Moses. I did all of that leading to get them out of Egypt and then go on a mountain and die before entering the promise land. I always felt bad for Moses.

Anyway, I don’t know when I’ll talk to my crew again. I don’t know when I’ll know what exactly I need to do. I don’t want to rush this either. But, for some reason, I feel like I need to make a decision soon.

I’ll let ya know what happens.

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