Back in 2013, I wrote a bunch of random words of wisdom that probably should not have been taken seriously. Here we go again.

  • You should never, EVER, kick a cat. They can probably communicate with their lion siblings to hunt you down.
  • You should eat rich. You are what you eat.
  • Stop wearing clothes. You need to be ready for global warming’s epic thrashing of the world.
  • A wise man once said that quoting wise men without their permission is probably a bad thing with legal ramifications. So stop quoting Gandhi.
  • Want to be famous? Kill or be killed in spectacular fashion.
  • At some point, you’re going to want to eat in the middle of the night. The advice here is to draw it on paper and eat that.
  • Treat your walls right; they hear everything you say about your boss. Blackmail from a black wall!
  • Want to stop gender discrimination? Let’s all get plastic surgery to look the same. Leave the poor behind.
  • Michael Jackson loved everybody so much he wanted to change races. My suggestion to you is to marry someone exclusively for their money so you can change race too.
  • Stories of people you don’t know are always false. I mean, the person telling you is probably a paid actor.
  • A cold day in the summer is always warmer than a hot day in the winter. Trust me.
  • Your shoes hate you. Try exercising without them on. Leave the sweat and funk to the socks. They don’t have feelings.
  • Have you ever noticed how fat people are always shaking and bouncing when they move? If you ever want to learn how to dance or “shake dat azz”, just watch them.
  • Don’t work for a zoo. Noah lived with animals for just over a month and as soon as he got off the boat, he said “I need a drink!”
  • The best thing you can do is go into that dark alley with that guy. I mean, Hollywood just pushing the negative stereotype.
  • You don’t have to charge your phone. Your girlfriend will truthfully be “a few minutes” in the mall.
  • Pretend you are high all of the time. You’ll get your alone time and then some.
  • Treat your smartphone right. It knows a LOT of conversations you’ve had…and all of those photos you’ve sent. (ok this one might be serious)
  • The ultimate secret identity of superheroes is to create a world where superheroes are fiction. Marvel and DC doing their part. That guy in the Spider-Man costume is probably the real guy.
  • Smokey Bear is the one that starts the fires. That’s why he’s sssssssmmmokey! (please tell me you got that reference)

That’s it then. From the mind of Dante Nelson. God help me.

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