Did you read that question? I mean, what? I don’t even get it. Here’s the story:
My best friend and I are very close and like sisters. In a few weeks she’s coming for a visit for the weekend for a big event we are attending, and wants my husband and I to go on a double date with her for the event. The problem is, her date is a married man, who is still with his wife and kids, but is sneaking away with her for the weekend. My husband has said he doesn’t agree with the relationship and does not want to go out with them, under any circumstance…he told me if I want to go, I can go alone. I don’t agree with her relationship either and have told her, but ultimately it’s her choice. I don’t want to go with them, but I don’t want to ruin my friendship with my best friend either. I also definitely don’t want to go alone…. I’m already uncomfortable and this will make it worse. I think my husband should suck it up and go in support of me, but he is refusing. What should I do? I respect his right to refuse, but think he should not leave me to go alone with them. I have met him, but I have never been anywhere with them because we live in different cities and he’s usually unable to come when we are visiting one another. They will be in a hotel nearby for the whole weekend, and want us to all spend a lot of time together. Help!
Alright……this is a lot to process. I…
Okay, so we have a few points that jump out at me:
- If your friendship is ruined because you refuse to participate in low moral standard activities, you might have a problem with your relationship in general.
- Your only option is to tell your friend that you indeed cannot play a part of this. (more on that later)
- You say you don’t want to go, but you also expect your husband to play along too. Huh?
See, I want to address those last two points really quick. What I am sensing is you are on the verge of using your husband to get out of it. “Sorry, but Tom isn’t up to it.” Your husband doesn’t not have to play this game nor should he have to just because you’re married. That’s f’d up.
Here’s the thing; and it goes to my initial point…you need to tell your friend that you can’t be a part of this…whatever it is. By you hanging out and all of that, you’re agreeing with it. It’s that simple. At this point, you double dating would give them the confidence to continue doing whatever it is. “Well, Tom and Beth had a good time. We can keep doing this.”
You become an enabler of sorts.
If you truly don’t agree with things, just say you’re out. Personally, since you’re friends, I would also take it a step further and encourage her to end that relationship; but you seem to be set on “that’s her choice” and that’s true. You can’t control what she does. You can control what you do. And, perhaps with you putting your foot down…by you sticking to your standards…she may come to her own realization that this is not a good thing she’s doing.
Your husband is the only person standing up for what he believes in. And yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say your friend and that guy are wrong. You are not necessarily wrong…but you’re not helping. You are gray at this point. Your husband is black and the others are white. You need to pick a side, boo.