I found out this year that I am a bad person.
The thing is, people around me don’t seem to accept this. But I know better. I know a lot better. I am not a good person. I lied to many. Hurt a few in major ways.
But that’s not what makes me a bad person. No, it gets worse: In most of the scenarios…I just don’t care.
Like, there’s no remorse for what I said or did in the past few years. Barely anything. I’m just not…I just don’t…it’s not good. Hey, it could be worse. For me, it really could be worse. I’m not the worst person in the world at all. I’m just a…what’s the word…I think a-hole should do it. A big a-hole.
What I do believe is that I am not a good person. I think this is a fact that people close to me will never want to believe. Nobody wants to believe the people closest to them are bad people. Who really wants to be associated with bad people?
And though I have done bad and have said bad, I run this blog. My optimism. My light. Can light come from darkness? Is this blog real?
Well, see, the thing is, I’m not a good person. Alright, alright, you know this. But let me finish: But, with God, I am a good person.
Okay, so wait, what does that mean?
It sort of means that even though I am the scum of the earth, I am still worth something to God. Me being a bad person never really bothered me that much; remember, I don’t really care for what I did and said. However, I had recently started thinking about how this blog, in some ways, is me lying to you about myself.
Eh…not really lying. But, half truth.
The half truth in all of this is that a really big jerk runs this blog. Here, let me give you an example of how f’d up I am.
I was in church a couple of years…maybe a few years ago. I was walking down a hallway in this building that I have been in since it was first constructed. I was an usher at the time. Keep this in mind. As I strolled in the hallway, I heard a lot of noise…it was coughing and it wasn’t stopping for a breath. As I stood and listened, I could tell the person was not quite choking, but was having a cough spell. You know those times when I guess something gets in your throat and it’s not blocking the airway but your body is all like “get this the f out!” That’s likely what was going on. I continued to stroll down the hallway and saw this woman on the floor of the hallway. Like, she was on her bottom leaning on the wall coughing away.
I didn’t help. I didn’t feel like it so I walked inside of the sanctuary.
I am not a good person. I just told you and that’s one of my more innocent stories. I already talked about the time I stole from a store (and got myself caught like an idiot). Like, let’s face the facts here: I ain’t a saint.
On my own, I am garbage. With God, I am gold. Well, that’s usually how that goes anyway.
Alright, so now that you understand what kind of guy I am, you can understand the title of this post. Despite what I have done and said, I wonder if I can still make a positive difference in this world, mainly through this blog.
I look at a simple example from the Bible. Paul, known as Saul at the time, was the ultimate killer of Christians. He had hate for them, man. Yet, God used Saul…He called Saul (fans of a particular TV show will like that reference) to be His champion.
If Saul can be used and redeemed by God, then so can I, right?
That’s the thought, anyway. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Some people will try to tell me that I’m using religion to escape my actions. “I shot that guy but God still loves me so it’s okay!”
I mean, God loves you no matter what you’ve done. Again, Paul was basically an enemy of God and God still wanted Him. It really doesn’t matter what you have done or what you will do. God loves you.
Technically, when looking at the fruit of the Spirit, “Goodness” is one of them. Again, goodness comes from God. I am not good. I cannot produce goodness on my own. With God, I can be good. On my own, I’m a terrible person. Horrible.
I’m not going to tell you that I all of a sudden feel bad about things. I’m not going to give you that BS. I’m just saying that despite me, this blog still goes on. Maybe it’s my way of fighting off the very things I do and say.
Maybe this blog is my poor way of making amends for things. To tell you people like me don’t run the world.
I’d like to think this blog makes a difference. A positive difference. I would like to believe that. As the followers and subscribers come, it makes me believe it all the more. At the same time, this isn’t all that simple.
Like, I can’t think that this blog makes everything okay. It doesn’t. Me being a good person through God doesn’t excuse my actions and words. All of these years; but it finally hit me this year.
I think a major point though is to not let who you are dominate what you do. I mean, you may have f’d up, but don’t quit trying to do the right thing. Don’t quit trying to be a good person. I guess this blog is my way of keeping up the fight. Some people make mistakes. Some people are like me who just said “IDGAF” and kept moving. Regardless, you can still make a positive difference in the world.
This is one of the most odd posts I’ve ever written here because I’ve been contradicting myself the entire time. You can tell my thoughts are not together but yet I published this. I like posting stuff where I am debating myself and it’s not one sided in thought. It’s like me talking to myself and letting you sit in. That’s why you’re reading this post. Just an FYI.