Just a little while ago, I talked about the exciting things to come to this blog. However, as I mentioned before, 2016 was a bad year and I’m still reeling from it. What I stumbled upon this past weekend is that I might end up killing this blog because somehow my relationship with my sisters is a major player in my desire and fire to write.
I don’t know how this is possible.
Have you ever found out that everything you knew was a lie? Did you think things were one way when, in truth, it was a 180 degree turn of events?
I had found out that I wasn’t a good brother for years. I had thought I was, but no. I messed up in a serious way. I hadn’t realize my mistake until years later.
I really thought I was something. I wasn’t perfect, but darn it, I was good. I was really good! I wasn’t full of myself but I knew I was good at what I did. I was very confident. I knew only two things in life: I was a good brother, and I was funny. That’s all that mattered to me. That was my life.
As I tried to come to grips with this new reality, people told me that I was still a good brother. Eh…see, I don’t know if I accept that. I’m a brother; I am THE brother. Wouldn’t I know if I was doing my job well or not?
Who determines that you’re a good brother? You? Your sibling(s)? Parents? Other people? Is it a combination?
At this point in time, the people who are aware of my mistake claim I am still a good brother. I refuse to accept this. By my standards of what a good brother should be, I am nowhere close. The standards I set up are…I mean, it’s not impossible. In my standards, a wide majority of brothers are good at what they do. You would really have to f up in the worst way to lose that status.
I sure f’d up…bro.
The only way I didn’t f up is if I abandon my standards of what a god brother should be. I would have to let go of what I have built. If I do this, I will have peace.
In my mind, it’s not acceptable what I did. If I let go of that standard, it becomes acceptable. Is that what I want? Is that what I would tolerate of other brothers? My sons treating their siblings the same way…would I simply let it pass?
But, again, who determines this standard?
Is it the sibling? Perhaps they hold the power to determine who is a good brother to them. After all, they are the ones who make a brother exist; otherwise it’s just some random kid. They are the ones that receive the brother treatment.
It doesn’t matter if a cook is good at what he does. If nobody likes the food he’s serving, he’s in trouble.
Is it the parents? Do the parents actually make it known what is expected of sibling relationships? When I was just a little kid who was introduced to my first sister, I was told to do this and that for my little sister. Sisters two and three came along and I carried that for them.
Did the parent create the brother? For me, my parents did create the brother. I loved my little sister; but I had to be taught how to be a big brother.
Do I determine what is a good brother? As I grew up, I began to do things on my own. I personally decided what I would and wouldn’t do to my sisters. What I would say or not say. My parents didn’t tell me to sit by their bedside to check on them when they’re sick. I just decided to do that because I thought that’s what a good brother does. He takes care of his sisters (and brothers).
What we have is at least three points of view on what a brother should be.
One thing I didn’t mention was the Bible and what God says. That didn’t work out because everybody is your “brother”. Freaking joke.
If I had to guess, from my personal relationship with God, He would probably tell me I’m a good brother which makes my denial all the more alarming.
What God says is truth. There is no sound logic in arguing it. I am well aware of this. I have a habit of knowing exactly what the truth is and not accepting it. I simply can’t accept it.
Ever since I found out about my lie of a life, I have not been able to make amends, and this is what is holding me back. For all of the voices that say “you’re a good brother”, I actually haven’t heard from my sisters.
In the end, if I had to list in order of “authority” to determine who is a good brother:
What I have realized while writing this post is that I value my status as a brother in the eyes of my sisters more than anybody else, including me. If my little sisters believe with all of their heart that I am an excellent brother, I will accept it. If they say I am not good, I will accept it (I already do on my own).
Until the situation is fully resolved, you can go ahead and label me a bad brother. Better to be safe.
Anybody not on that list really…I don’t pay them any mind. People are wasting their breath.
Why do I ask this question on this blog? The first post published here was me talking about what makes a good brother. My first step in my blogging career was based off of my sisters. In all honesty, if I lose this status, this would be a major blow to my desire to write.
Apparently, part of my writing desire and love comes from my status as a good brother. My first post was essentially dedicated to them. A chapter in my book is dedicated to them. Every play I have written has their names (middle or nickname included) as characters.
They are a key element of my writing life. If I lose this, I lose a big part of who I am and writing takes a hit.
I will continue to blog. I blog; it’s what I do. But, I will let you know what the future of the site is once I figure things out.