Category: The List

Five possible ways this blog will end

Everything has to come to an end. Here, I list some scenarios I see as possible that would mean no new posts. No particular order of likelihood:

1. WordPress ceases function

This blog is tied to WordPress. If WP fails, this blog is finished. Now, of course, I can always move my material to another service and continue my work somewhere else, but I’m really grateful for WP and, out of the free blogging services, this was the winner for me when I first started blogging.

2. I decide blogging isn’t for me

Reasons why I would stop blogging need a post for itself. But, regardless of the reason, I could one day decide I’m out of the blogging game for good and shut this thing down. Eh, I don’t see me walking away from blogging any time soon. But, it’s always possible.

3. I die

I mean…do I really need to explain this one. As I’ve mentioned a few times in the past, I have a scheduled post for my birthday. If it publishes, that means I died at some point. If I die close to my birthday, it’s possible I’ll have some posts scheduled past my birthday and then they would show up after my farewell post.

4. I am physically unable to maintain it

A step below dying is being in a place where I simply cannot blog. I lose my hands in a tragic accident. Alright, but there is plenty of voice to text software out there. I’m not a smoker, but you can imagine me losing my voice in that same tragic accident. This seems the most unlikely out of all of these scenarios, but it’s always possible.

5. I build a better blog

I’ve said before that I want this blog to be my final writing project (online at least). If I stop blogging and writing, I want the final thing I publish to be from here. However, as time goes on, there may come a point where I end up somewhere where I can build a better version of  blog. Sort of like starting from scratch. Really, if those blog goes away because of another blog, that new blog is likely a better version of this one.

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Bible Stories That Could’ve Gone Wrong

Bible Stories That Could’ve Gone Wrong

I love my Bible. The word of God. But, c’mon now…have you ever sat down and think about how things could’ve gone wrong? Special announcement: My next creative writing project is directly inspired by this post. Let’s get to it.

Let me first say that I have complete respect for the Bible. Let me also say I am completely aware of God’s hand in these events. But, you’ll have to understand this about me: I poke fun at anything (including myself). I will make the “gone wrong” version in bold font.

1. Peter Drowns

Imagine this, Jesus calls for Peter to join Him on the water (Jesus was walking on water). Peter, as the story goes, walks briefly but then doubts what’s going on and begins to sink. Jesus saves him. But, what if Peter instead drowns? Like, he goes into complete panic mode (you know how people drowning just lose sensibility) and nobody is able to reel him in.

2. Abraham moves too fast

God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac. Without getting too deep, this was an interesting test that essentially is the written reason why God sent His only Son to die. Anyhoo, Abraham gets ready to sacrifice his son to the Lord. First of all, I found it funny that Isaac is not described as freaking the heck out that his dad just bound him to the top of the altar. Just skimmed right over all of that, huh? Okay, Lord. But, sure, Abraham ties his son up and is ready to slay his son with a knife. Now, in the story, an angel of God stops Abraham by shouting to him. However, we could say Abraham moved too fast and killed his son.

3. She a hoe

I debated on how I would introduce this story. Then, I realized I wanted to do it how I wanted to do it because I ain’t gonna sugarcoat how Joseph was probably feeling when he found out Mary was pregnant. That’s right. Now, in the original story, Mary gets pregnant when the “Spirit came upon her”. I’m doing my best to leave the word “come” alone, y’all! Joseph finds out and, like a normal person, assumes she’s cheated on him since he didn’t get any. But then, an angel tells Joseph “it’s cool; it’s just the Spirit of God”. Joseph took that and ran with it. I’m sorry; but I would have a hard time accepting that, but Joseph was a good, God fearing dude so whatever. But, what if, even after talking to the angel, Joseph wanted out of the game? Think about it. It ain’t my baby. We’re not even married. I could really just get up and bounce. Joseph would be the worst step dad. “Go to your room” “NO! You’re not my real dad and He’s also your dad!” OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH! Could you really blame him?

4. Better kill Saul

Last one, and a play on some sort of hit spinoff show or something, I don’t know. You guys remember Saul in the Bible, right? Oh, I’m sorry; not the king who was out to kill David the murderous man-whore (well, I guess his son took that whore thing too far). No, I’m talking about Saul in the new testament who ends up becoming Paul. Well, there was a period where a man, named Ananias, was called to give Saul his sight. In case you don’t know the story, Saul was a champion killer of God’s people. Dude was one of the elite, kid. Saul had a reputation well earned. So, Ananias was like “um, he’s killed a lot of your people and was on his way to do more damage”. Now, Ananias…hey, I don’t know what he was thinking, but Ananias could’ve gone rouge and killed Saul right there and be done with it. Shoot, it would’ve been a bad move, but understandable.

Well, a combination of people doing what they are supposed, “destined” or even God making the call is how a lot of events in the Bible play out for our ultimate good. It’s really interesting to see how delicate it all is. Read the Bible. I guess because I’m student of the word, I pick up on these things.

What other stories can you think of?

Things that happen when you lose your keys

Things that happen when you lose your keys

We’ve done it before. Most of us have lost those darn keys. It’s like, why can’t we just…how do they….”Key Story”? Anyway, here are some things happen when you lose your keys:

  • Accuse everybody of stealing them. Even the unborn babies. You never know.
  • Pray for their safe return.
  • Curse everything.
  • Use language you may not have before.
  • Inspect furniture in such a way if you search someone like that, you’re certain to get slapped. Or punched. Or kicked. Or shot.
  • Call them on your phone (actually, there are apps now that, if you put a device on your keys, can tell you where your key is. I’m talking about using the actual telephone part of the phone to call them).
  • Ask the keys where they are “where did you go?”
  • Become a detective as you retrace your steps. Perhaps you retrace them as far as the first day you got the car six years ago.
  • Look in odd places. Maybe the keys took a shower (maybe they were watching YOU take a shower). Maybe they were hungry but locked themselves in the fridge.
  • Call Ghost Busters. Clearly, a ghost took them.
  • Go on the internet and share your story as evidence that, yes, inanimate objects are taking over the world.
  • Contact Pixar to get the official rules of toys coming to life and cases where they go rogue. Your keys may have simply jumped ship.
  • Turn all electronics’ volume down. Maybe you can hear the keys jingle?
  • Watch TV and hope the world ends so you have a proper excuse for being late to work (or worse, dinner with the spouse on the anniversary).
  • Learn how to hotwire a car and hope you can prove you own the car should the cops show up. (unless you’re black in which case I guess wear a bullet proof vest too?)
  • Realization that “always the last place ya look” is a very poorly made statement.
  • Learn magic in hopes of just making keys poof into existence.
  • Buy a new car and get spare keys for each room in the house as well as tied to each tire of the car. And STILL manage to lose them.

5 Favorite funny dog memes

I guess the dog is my favorite animal. Um, but here are some memes:

5. Who, me?

4. Hipster sounds

3. Questions of life

2. Jehovah’s Bark-ness

1. A real marathon

Ranking the days of the week

Ranking the days of the week

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Let’s take a look at the days of the week and how I view them currently and in my personal past.

7. Friday.

Friday is the worst day of the week because that’s when I found out what kind of scum I am.

6. Thursday

I mean…Thursdays have been kind of boring compared to the other days. This is especially true for my time as a Sixers fan. See, Thursday nights in the NBA are usually reserved for the best teams and/or best matchups (think Monday Night Football for you NFL heads). Sixers haven’t played well enough since I became a fan in 2000 so…yeah. But, even other areas of my life, this isn’t my favorite day but I also don’t dislike it. It just…is.

5. Monday

I’m not sure what it is about Monday. Corporate American hates this day since it’s the “back to work” day. But, I don’t really dislike…oh wait. Band practice was always on Monday. Oh yeah. I didn’t like band. F band.

4. Wednesday

I was born on this day so there’s a reason not to be excited. Also, I got my blood drawn by these vampires although people tell me they were nurses or something. Also, when I was a kid, Wednesday was the longest day of the week for my, mom, and sisters. Just…a long day from home. Even today, Wednesdays are busy and usually not enjoyable. One of my best relationships sparked from Wednesday so…huh. This has always been a bittersweet day which is why it’s in the middle. I mean, the middle of my list but coincidentally it’s also the middle of the week. Okay then.

So far, each day has been not so good. Do I even like a day, or am I ranking by which ones I don’t hate as much? Grief.

3. Sunday

Sunday is when I go to church. I either teach or do lighting, and I enjoy doing both. That’s been a really fun ride.

2. Saturday

The last day. The 7th day. I don’t know what it is but I really like this day. Maybe it’s because historically, I generally get to chill on this day. No school. Um, okay actually when you worm in retail Saturday is your day, but I love working retail so it was fine with me. But yeah, Saturday usually had something I looked forward to.

1. Tuesday

I really…it’s like Saturday. I don’t know exactly why I enjoy Tuesday, but I do. I really did. Boy Scouts was really fun and that was Tuesday nights. Then again, band concerts were on Tuesday nights. Currently, I use Tuesdays as my “day at church”…day. I would go to the morning staff meeting, and then spend the rest of the day working on my lighting. Wednesday also was a day to spend all day at church but Tuesday historically felt…productive. It was during a Tuesday night class that I began writing my book. It was a Tuesday that I decided I wanted to start my own blog (this blog right here). I really like Tuesdays.

The best ways to die

We all gotta go. We really do. So, if you’re like me, you have a scenario for how you’d like to go. Some people wanna sleep and not wake up. Others want to be doing something they love. Well, here’s basically how I’d like to go. It’s all ranked.

4. Saving a sibling

Ah yes, I used to dream about such things when I thought I was a good brother. The honor to die for my sisters is something I really would like to have if it comes down to it. It would have been higher, but, again, I likely won’t have this chance since I’m actually a bad person/brother.

3. Laughing

It’s painful. But, it’s funny. To simply laugh and laugh and laugh and essentially have your heart go to jail (cardiac arrest; get it?) sounds cool.

2. Quickly and painlessly

I just said I would like to laugh to death, which would be painful and take quite some time. But, I would rather be out of it immediately. I don’t wanna feel anything. Nothing.

1. Crazy accident

A lot of people want to leave some sort of legacy when they die. What if your death IS your legacy? I wouldn’t mind dying in some crazy freak accident and end up on that show 1,000 Ways to Die. Epic. Now, what kind of accident exactly, I’m not sure. Off the top of my head, let’s say I die from gang violence. I get hit by a stray bullet from two streets down while standing behind a tree. Like, some real crazy stuff where it’s like “it was just his time” universe interfering type of stuff. Or a plane engine falls on me. Whatever.